i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize