If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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