I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
