I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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