I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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