Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
