I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
