I looked at my own cervix.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
