anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize