I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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