forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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