i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
