I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
