I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
