I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
