Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
