Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
