last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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