I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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