After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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