i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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