I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
