textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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