two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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