she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
