Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
