I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
