So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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