you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
