Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
