Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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