I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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