you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
