my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize