he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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