Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize