If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
