I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
