I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
