if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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