I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You were trust falling into bushes
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
