It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
