Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
