all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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