i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize