someone threw a dead crab at me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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