I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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