Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
