Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
