ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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