You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
