I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize