I faked an abortion last night.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize