Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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