your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
