My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize