Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
