Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
