I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
