You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
