i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
