just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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