Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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