What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize