end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's never too late to be topless.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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