i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
