i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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