We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
