he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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