Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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