Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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